Open letter from a rape victim


I pushed you away. I told you no. And then I passed out.

When I see you in the halls my heart drops. Some days it’s worse than others. Most days I can force a friendly smile and even a “hey.” But sometimes I force my eyes to the floor and I spend the next class choking back tears.

What you did to me was unforgivable. There’s no way I’ll ever be the same.

You may live with an occasional smack of guilt when you think about it, but I’ll never escape my pain. When someone touches me, I flinch. When anyone says the word sex, I’m instantly down. When a guy tells me they love me, I can’t believe them. You said it too, that you loved me. You promised you’d never hurt me.

Look where that got us.

Soldiers who fight in wars, arguably the most traumatic experience a human could endure, come back with PTSD, which makes me embarrassed to admit you gave me that too. I need therapy to cope but I can’t get it. My parents don’t know what happened, and my part time job doesn’t earn me enough money to cover the expense.

Occasionally I have nightmares of that day. I see your hands on my body. Your thighs pushing against me. My hands white knuckled from trying to push you away. Your fingers pull my shorts down and I say no. Maybe I was too quiet cause you don’t stop. I say it again. My underwear is off. No. Then everything is black.

The tragedy of this is that more than one of you is guilty right now. There are multiple students who are asking themselves, “Is this about me?”

If you’re feeling guilty then the answer is yes, it is.

I will forever live in fear. That is irreversible. Each morning I wake up to this reality. Which is why I haven’t pressed charges. I would never go as low as inflicting as much damage upon someone as you have to me, and holding you accountable to the law would ruin your life.

Sending you to court is not the answer. Getting your money is not answer. Seeing you behind bars is not the answer. The sad thing is, there isn’t an answer. I will always be damaged by this. There’s no removing it.

So I hope that sits on your conscious.


Your Victim

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